Thursday, 18 October 2012

Dark thoughts ....

Oozing black thoughts
I feel somewhat embarrassed to be posting what follows, for I wrote it in rough as I awoke at 6.00am this morning - on the campsite in Birmingham at the Motorhome and Caravan Show at the NEC (National Exhibition Centre) - intending to post it when arriving home. At which point, the usual rural broadband issues; and when much later I was able to re-connect, I discovered so many kind and thoughtful greetings on Facebook that I felt it would be churlish to continue with this entry. The mail arrived also, and with it family cards and greetings, too. And a text on my idiotic smartphone. 

And yet, I believe we all have dark personal thoughts from time to time; and so here is my diary entry - the Facebook greetings were all the more special when what follows had been in my mind: "Today, potentially so special, has been a long time coming. It began on 18.10.1937 - and yet many times over recent years I thought it might never be. Predicted ill-health intervened ... unexpectedly ... but that is not the cause of prompting me to post an image of juicy dripping black toadstools. For today I am 75 and am just plain sad and feeling such frustration.

For I have relinquished a job I really cherished (even though it took over my life for the last 18 months and made me ill). I loved my 'Discover Touring' editing work and will never see the like again. But other loyalties and obligations tear at my restless mind. And so, instead of birthday flowers, decaying fungi invade my soul and break my heart. I slide into a nothingness."

My dark 'Othello' rose
I guess this early morning entry resulted from tiredness and a feeling of uselessness. It is not as if I do not have plenty to fill my workaholic days, but to step back voluntarily is not in my nature. So all the sweet good wishes lifted my spirit; (thank you so much to those who posted on my Facebook timeline). Oh, and the NEC blog post of yesterday from the Press Office is here, if you click on this link

And now to move on to other things: garden projects, house reclamation and much more ongoing de-cluttering (I can hardly bear to part with all my beloved books). Writing, art and more art, creativity, textiles, word-whispers, illustrated journals and other flights of fancy.

And an attempt to be a housewife again, even if only intermittently! 

5 comments:

  1. How wonderful to read that someone else has these thoughts at times.O'h the joys you have had in this job and although you will miss it your health will bounce back again too.Happy belated birthday.
    Settling back in will be interesting but an adventure in its own way...and parting with the books I do not know how you will go with that one..maybe just get rid of everything else lol.Whatever comes it will be another chapter that we look forward to reading.

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  2. I don't have your background of professional creativity and work assignments. My husband has been self-employed for most of the years prior to our 'retirement' and I have served in a number of roles which can best be summed up as 'picking up the pieces.'
    I'm a few years behind you in age, but already finding that the necessary tasks of life take so much vital energy that there isn't a lot left over for the creative projects I have hoped to undertake or complete.
    This is depressing at times--not because the world will be the poorer for lack of my stories or genealogies or quilts--but simply because I so wanted to do these things as an expression of who [I think] I am.
    Life demands adjustments of us when we are younger or 'in our prime'--growing older seems to force concessions we might logically have anticipated, but which we find disconcerting.
    That said, I believe you still have much to share and I wish you the time and energy for the doing.

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  3. Less is more, think of it that way and think of how you will have more time to concentrate on other things; don't think of anything as a loss rather as an opportunity to take a new path. I recently gave up my much loved job but have never been happier as I have the time to spend on more creative pursuits.

    I wish you very many happy returns.
    PS Your rose is beautiful.

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  4. I will be 75 in two months and I know how you feel. I don't feel it right now but I have felt it in the past. My husband I are still adjusting to 'retirement' after a very active and productive life. He came up with this description recently,I don't know where he got it from but I found it very appropriate and somewhat comforting. He said we are now living and trying to adjust to "a new normal".

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  5. Many happy returns. I'm visiting for the first time and the timing is just too surreal.
    I get that black fungal in ways you couldn't begin to imagine. Now if only I was able to write creatively what's in my head!

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